The Only People Crazier Than Theologians Are Linguists

I read this article earlier today, and I've been because-noun-ing all day.

Because Linguistics

"Why do you need a Moodle course for this class, Christian Ethics? (Please give a reason so that the administrator can determine the need for this course.)"
"Because God."

"I can't quite figure out why none of you are taking notes on what I just said.  Because, you know, exam."

"And so we see here that James makes the same explanatory move that was made in Leviticus.  Why shouldn't you hold a day laborer's pay back until the next day?  Because God."

"Please don't email me during another professor's class!  Because courtesy."

I feel very hip.

Well, I felt hip.  And then I realized that, by the time someone writes a blog entry on a hip thing, it's not hip anymore.  (Because, you know, novelty.  And boredom.)

And then I realized that someday, someone will write a second-grade grammar textbook in which "because" will be listed as a preposition, because of this article.  (Because idiocy.)  And I was tempted to repent of my participation in the stupidification of my own grandchildren.

But then I went back to because-noun-ing.  Because fun.  And also entropy.

Alarming Grammar

You know how sometimes you wake up in the morning feeling that you had just gone to sleep only minutes before, even though you really did get a full night's sleep?

That happened to me this morning.

But when my alarm went off, I didn't turn over and go back to sleep, because I recognized the phenomenon--where you feel you've just gone to sleep even though you've slept a full six hours--and formed a thought communicating the phenomenon to myself.

But the thought I formed, alas, triggered my Grammatical Angst Complex, and I was unable to go back to sleep.

(This turned out well, because Tuesdays are my early days, and I really did have to get out the door.  But it was annoying.)

The thought I thought to myself was, "Man, I just lay down ten minutes ago!"

It was a grammatical thought, but as soon as I thought it, I was wide awake, wondering whether I had thought grammatically.

"Wait, I just lay down?  Or just laid down?  Lie, Lay, Lain, Lay, Laid, Laid.  Lie.  Lay.  Yes.  Lay.  But I'm much more confident with the past participle, so I could make it easier on myself and say, 'It feels as though I had just lain down!'"

Yes, dear Readers, it was 5:06, and I was revising my own internal grammar.

This is what writing a dissertation will do to you.  I can only imagine what writing a grammar textbook does to you.

And then I thought, "I could avoid the problem by saying, 'Man, I just fell asleep ten minutes ago!'  And Chicago Manual of Style always suggests avoiding the problem if you're unsure, or if you know you're correct but you think your readers will trip over it."

Yes, dear Readers, it was 5:07, and I was quoting the Chicago Manual of Style to myself.

If you ever meet any of my sons, have pity on them.  They're doing the best they can, after being raised by such a mother.  It's really amazing they can speak at all, or are willing to.